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Guest chef residencies return to Carousel,. So Amy's parlor was in an office building, and it only advertised massage.

The signs didn't even use outlines of women or garish neon, and the inside didn't look particularly sexual. Dimmers controlled the light, and Amy had to adjust them to set the mood.

The music, as she puts it, was "a cheesy massage calm-soothing-water CD" -- a spa soundtrack, with nary a porn riff in earshot. Still, most people who entered understood what the place was truly for.

Most people. Here's the way it's supposed to work: The client pays a straight fee for a "massage" -- this money goes to the parlor, not the masseuse.

The client strips, showers, gets on the table and under a towel, and Amy gives him a preliminary rub-down not a real massage, since they aren't trained for that.

Then she asks what else he wants, he tells her explicitly, and it's understood he will give her a "tip" for said services, which she keeps.

The towel comes off, and she takes it from there. But the guy sometimes just doesn't respond. And it goes something like this:.

Amy: "Oh, have they been going a bit Any other parts that way? I can do anything you want, you know. We went through the massage and small talk, and I made no money from that.

No thanks, my penis doesn't ache. One time, a woman came in. This customer wasn't looking for a lesbian massage sorry, fellas , and if she had been, Amy's not sure what she would have done.

Instead, the client simply lay there with her towel on, picking up no weird vibes at all. It was just a woman that came in thinking, 'Oh my, this place is a steal!

But remember that Amy, despite her experience in rubbing people as foreplay, has no expertise at all in real massage. The woman "likely had one of the most meh massages of her life.

I hurt more now Have a fetish? Go see a dom. Too poor for a dom? Go see a masseuse! The second-class experience will embarrass you both, but for some customers, it's the best option.

For example, a shy client once asked Amy to tie him up, which is rather vanilla, as fetishes go. But he didn't have any rope.

Either he was too cheap or he plain had no idea where to buy any. So he produced a tiny pair of shoelaces, perhaps taken from a battered pair of his own sneakers.

Another guy, a repeat customer, was into golden showers, but Amy's bladder was never prepared. Oh God. It's like when you force yourself to cum after jerking off.

It hurts and just plain sucks. At least her stubborn urinary sphincter eased this part a bit. But even if Amy sometimes laughs at her own performances, clients go away satisfied.

Like the one guy -- 6'2", lbs. He wanted to stay clothed during the piggyback ride, and he wanted the rider clothed as well. As a variation on this, he was up for the lady doing squats while he perched on top of her.

But not her. Look, I needed to do it. Most people are all about the in and out, but the quirky ones are my favorite. She couldn't resist.

There are other, less strenuous ways to cater to client fantasies. For instance, clients always want women who are foreign or from far away, since that's what a masseuse is in their minds.

Asians are very popular, since an Asian masseuse is a familiar stereotype. Black girls are popular, too. Still, Amy made do.

She simply pretended to be "European.

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